I am alone for hours on end all the time, and the only thing that does is give me time to think. It gives me a chance to drown out the world and crawl inside my mind for some self reflecting. So much has changed for me since high school. What was destined to be one thing became another. What was meant to be just didn’t come to be. My life has taken a direction that would never have thought possible.

In one day, I will be in the Navy. People ask me how I feel, and I always tell them I don’t know. Am I excited? Yes. Am I nervous? Yes. Am scared? No. Terrified? Not even close. I’m mortified. I’m so afraid that I don’t even know how to express it. I feel such a crazy plethora of emotions that it’s difficult to explain them. It’s more complicated than the fact that I joined th Navy. I’m starting a promising career. I’m moving out of my parents house. I’m doing something with my life. All of it boils down to change, and this is the biggest change in my life so far.

One of the more common questions people ask me is if I’m ready. Again, I don’t know how to answer that question. A part of me is fully ready to tackle life’s challenges. But there’s the side of me that doesn’t want to accept the new things in life. Part of me doesn’t want to go to boot camp. It all comes down to fear. I am so afraid that my fear scares me. I’m afraid of failure, I’m afraid that this choice I made was the wrong one.

About 9 or 10 years ago, I would never have given first thought to joining the Navy. 1 year ago it was a faint possibility. 6 months ago it was the worst possible thing to happen to me, a step down, a failure. 3 months ago it was all I could think of. And now about 24 hours or so before it’s supposed to happen, I couldn’t have more faith that this is where I’m supposed to be.

As terrified as I am of the most adult decision I’ve ever made, I am so freaking excited for this amazing opportunity to not only exist on this earth as a member of the world’s greatest military, but also for the chance to live. To live as someone who is making a difference in the world by making a difference in my own life.

My life may be spinning in a direction that was unforseen and unexpected, but I couldn’t be happier that its going that way because at least it’s the right direction.